Fear
I have found that I do my worst parenting when I am parenting out of fear. This is true when I am afraid for my children’s safety, but it’s even more true when I am parenting in fear in regards to my children’s behavior.
When I am listening to the voice in my head that says, “if you let them get away with this, they will want to do it again…”, I lose my creativity. I lose my perspective. I lose my ability to keep my temper. As soon as I let my fear of “what if” override what is really happening in the here and now; I create a battle where there doesn’t have to be one.
My children are responsible for helping with our daily chore. In the beginning of this routine, I felt that I needed to draw a hard line in making them help. Because if I let them get away with slacking off once, surely they would want to do it again. And I was afraid of loosing control of that situation. More than once, I created a meltdown that didn’t need to happen. It certainly didn’t get the cleaning done. It did nothing for my relationship with my children. It didn’t teach them anything about perseverance or hard work. And at the end of the day, I knew that I had let my fear turn into anger, and treated my children unfairly.
I have since discovered that if one of my children isn’t as into cleaning that day, it is ok to back off. That day of not helping doesn’t turn into a life time of trying to get out of work. They return to chore time the next day ready and willing to help. If I just keep doing my thing, and working with the child who is wanting to work, the other one often joins right in.
There are so many things to be afraid of. If I don’t get him to sleep on time tonight, he will think bedtime is negotiable every night. If I let her draw on her arms, she will think she can draw on her arms whenever she wants. This fear gets me nowhere. I am not a better parent for it. My children are not learning anything from it. When will I learn to let go of this?
It’s the fear that if I don’t somehow control my kids’ immaturity, they will always be this immature.
It gets a little easier, as my oldest grows. Things that were all encompassing before are not even issues now. He doesn’t throw his food on the floor. He doesn’t throw his toys. Someday he will learn all of the other things I am trying so hard to teach him. I suspect he would learn them better, if I relaxed and let him learn.
When I am parenting in the moment, I am able to keep my temper. I am more creative. I can be the parent I want to be, without letting the behavior of a child determine my mood. I keep my perspective and my sense of humor… and, of all things, my children actually learn by what they see me do, when the message doesn’t get lost in my frustration and anger.
November 21st, 2009 at 3:33 am
You write really well about this issue, which anyone that’s had a child in his life knows. We hear all the time that consistency is the best thing for children, and sometimes it can take over in an unfair way, like the example you gave. It seems that, too often, parenting advice is dictated by absolutes – rules that are needlessly inflexible, that often require that we don’t even consider the child and his perspective.
I guess in the end, really listening to our children (not just what they say, but their changing moods, personalities, dispositions, etc) and knowing them well is the key to constructing values with them, like for instance, cleaning up his own mess. Like any close relationship, it’s important to know when you’re about to push that person over the edge.
-Lauren